Well, not really. What I actually want is to figure out the next stage of my life. Right now I feel like I am sitting in a waiting room between the past and the unknown future… I am not working, after exams in a week I will no longer be studying (for this semester, anyways), I have unlimited free time it seems… so where is it all going?
Alhamdulillah, this is probably the “breath” I was making dua for – some time off to refocus on my iman and figuring some things out. Ironically I still felt stressed worrying that I’m wasting this valuable time, that I should be doing something. If I was married it would be purrrfect because I could be playing the content housewife role (which I so long for!) and not have to keep thinking “When will I get a job?” “When will I get married?” “Where is my life going?” and actually relax into it.
The other day I went to this awesome halal restaurant owned/run by this super nice Pakistani family, and I was chatting with my friend about “the past” – in particular, my past pre-Islam self. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but basically I was saying sometimes I felt nostalgia for my old life – so many things I used to do and enjoy (tons of music, karaoke, christmas, long road trips, etc. etc.) that I left behind. I said I wondered how my life would be now if I hadn’t come to know Islam. Not that I want to go back to those days, alhamdulillah I am SO blessed Allah chose me to be a Muslimah… what I realized later was that the feeling is just like remembering a friend you were so close with but haven’t seen in years and you think, “I wonder how so-and-so is doing? How is her life these days?”
Sometimes I feel it all happened so fast. My “conversion” time is strangely a blur… I can’t recall even what month it was I took shahada. I have flashbacks of moments reading a certain Islamic book, or using a pillowcase as a hijab for salaah because I didn’t have a scarf, or one time when it was really hot praying in a tanktop and pajama pants thinking it was okay that I didn’t really need to cover my hair etc (out of total ignorance). I do remember the moment I took shahada though – I was reading a book about Islam while I was sitting in bed before sleeping, and there was a part about shahada and I thought to myself that this is the truth and I should just “go for it” and I had no thoughts about what “lay on the other side of my conversion” (as another sister had put it.)
SO what about now?
What kind of life do I want to create? Of course 100% the most important thing is to be a good Muslimah and strive towards Allah’s pleasure. After brainstorming a bit, here are some things I want to focus on:
* Memorizing Qur’an (I’ve got lots of links I want to post about hifdh insha’Allah)
* Healthy lifestyle (nutrition, stretching, regular exercise)
* Learning Arabic
* Finding a good spouse
* Organizing a “Muslimah Conference” for ladies only
* Islamic Online University courses
* Getting a good halal job to pay tha bills
Insha’Allah I can make some sort of consistent schedule and stick to it so I can actually progress. sh.Husain once said “In randomness is inconsistency” and that is SO true… for me this is the hardest thing, to do things on a regular basis for more than a few days.
Oh, I think the water for tea is probably all boiled away by now 
Gtg but will blog more thoughts soon…
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